This is the hardest blog I've ever written. I stopped and
started this several times, erased, rewrote, changed the title, got mad, got
sad, felt relieved, and almost couldn't finish it because I didn't want to go
back "there." Where was "there?" My rock bottom. And we
often try to sugar coat it, gloss over the details, and bury it so deep so we
don't ever have to feel that pain again.
But you know what I wished then? I wished I knew someone who
just understood. Someone who had been there too, but it's impossible to find
anyone who can understand all of our story. And that's a lonely place to be.
And our society doesn't really embrace rock bottom moments. In fact, we seem to
mock people's pain in the media or tell people to just "get over it"
and move on with their lives. Sure, we believe in the "American
Dream" and celebrate "Rags to Riches" stories, but how many of
us want to go into the trenches with someone? And now that I've had some time
to reflect and heal, I have realized it was never about having someone in the
trenches with me, it was about facing myself. And truly, no one could help me but me. I found myself trying to explain the crisis of my life to friends,
family, even co-workers, and they didn't have the capacity to understand
because it was my pain, not theirs. I also realized that although I was happy
with so many things in my life, I was becoming bitter and angry emotionally. I
have seen people who go through a divorce and 20 years later still hate that
person and refuse to trust another person again. Or they just refuse to go all
in to spare themselves the pain of another loss. I have also watched people who
have suffered a loss of a loved one push away every other family member and
friend because of anger and resentment. Why am I at liberty to say this?
It's not out of judgment, it's out of experiencing those same feelings over the
last year too. I was becoming a person inside that I didn't even know. I always
have prided myself on being "strong," but that just meant I was
refusing to acknowledge my own feelings and I pushed them aside. That only
works for so long before they surface with vengeance. And I hit a rock
bottom point when I realized I was constantly bracing myself for the next
crisis and I wasn't able to experience personal joy. I experienced joy as a
mom, teacher, and coach, but I was convinced that I had missed my chance or
window of time for happiness. Sounds pretty crazy, right? I am in an industry of
helping others, but the one person that I needed to help the most was me. And
so I did and I have. And I am certainly a work in progress, but aren't we all?
I also realized that when I started my rise, I wanted to help others, even just
with this blog. I wanted others to know that sometimes you have to step into
that arena alone.
The thing is there is absolutely nothing glamorous about hitting
rock bottom. There aren't a lot of books or movies about the darkness we face
because these aren't "feel-good" times. As a history teacher, my
students love to celebrate victories, underdog stories, and big events, but we
don't spend a lot of time studying the "in-between." It is brutal,
gut-wrenching, bloody, and the wounds can be unbearable. How many of you
know the causes and effects of World War I? Not many...you know why? Look up
trench warfare, read some diaries from soldiers, and study the accounts.
Horrendous. Now do you understand why they instituted a military draft for
World War II...because NO ONE wanted to go back into those conditions ever
again. In addition to Beachbody coaching, I actually teach college AP
World History, 3000 years of it, in fact. In class, we master the art of
cause and effect, but rarely do we have enough time or desire to study the
emotional effects on the "players" of war. This is actually my
favorite part...stories...and bringing people's lives into the light. But
it is a really tough place to go when it's the victims' lives we study...and
not the heroes. We can often suffer post-traumatic stress just like soldiers
when we have faced tragedy or crisis. The effects hit us later or we can come
from a complete high to an absolute low. And we also have triggers that can
send us into a downward spiral. And if we don't get help, we can carry around a
scarlet letter or even better, a chip on our shoulder because NO ONE
understands us or gets what we just lived through. And I am not here to tell
you that all pain is the same, but I can also tell you if you are going to
constantly try to compare your pain to others, you are going to be stuck in a
vicious cycle...with yourself. You will come to a point where the pain you
think others are causing you is actually being manifested by you.
But there is light at the end...if you step into it again. I do
believe that we can heal, if we take time to face our pain head on. And
sometimes it's a place that we MUST step into by ourselves. Why? Because we are
about to face our biggest enemy. Ourselves. Yes, you heard me right. I've met
people who would rather choose bitterness, resentment, fear, and disconnection
than face themselves. How we hit rock bottom can be self-induced, a tragic
loss, or just circumstances that we have been handed in this life. But does it really
matter in the end if we are the ones still suffering? Whatever the case is, we
have to make a decision when we hit rock bottom. Brene Brown, author of Rising
Strong, explains it as the time to step into the arena. It reminds me of a
Roman gladiator fight. The majority of people will be sitting in the stands,
perhaps casting judgment, but how about thinking of all the people who are
cheering you on? There are so many people who want to see you rise victorious,
but they will never get to see that part of you, if you do not choose to take
that first step. And that is to become better, heal, and find your worth again.
And here's another kicker... stepping into the arena is only the beginning. You
will definitely get knocked down again, but each time you dust off, you will
have faced another fear and emerge even stronger. And that's a risk worth
taking. Because it is a life or death moment. Are you going to stop living and
walk around going through the motions or are you going to start living
again...like now, in the present. You are worth it all. You deserve the best.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve peace. How do I know?
Because that "you" was me and I now have broken free of the chains I
was living in. And they were of my own doing.
So I end with this, is it time for you to take off the armor and
just step into the arena? There's a lot waiting for you at the top of that hill
or mountain. The picture at the top of this blog was taken by yours truly in
Scotland last summer. It's Edinburgh Castle and it has a fierce history, one
that was not built in a day, but on a foundation of rock. Pretty amazing, isn't
it? And your life can be too.
Xo,
Natalie Rene
There comes a point in our life where we have to make a choice. Which way do we go? We can stay on the same familiar path or we can take a risk and step into the light. It may be blinding at first, but where there is light, there is growth. And there is love...self-love. And I think many of us stay in the dark and hide behind the walls we've created because we do not think we are worthy of more. And we fear the unknown. But I can tell you that I will take the road less traveled any day because I have only just begun to truly live and am not going to ever go back to the old way.
I know that I was born to grow and lead. I was not created to be an accessory in someone else's life nor was my life designed to take on someone else's burdens and carry them as my own. But we do. And I did. And I was asked recently why did it take me so long to change my life? My response was, "I thought it was the right thing to do...to stick things out...that things would get better...that I wasn't a quitter." But what happened was a part of me died over the years because I was surrounded by takers. People who thought the world owed them something. And I thought I could be the change. If I loved enough, showed enough compassion, and turned the other cheek to envy and jealousy, I could make them look at the world differently. But what I didn't do was create boundaries. I let people walk all over me, take advantage of my kindness, and I was left feeling drained & used. And then I started resenting people who I felt constantly "wanted" something from me. Or to people who didn't really see the real me. And what I didn't realize until now is that I didn't know a thing about boundaries. This video from Brene Brown speaks to my soul.
We can be generous and compassionate without being taken advantage of because we can choose how we exert our energy. And I gave away my gifts of love, kindness, and compassion to people who were never capable of receiving them. But now I am filling my cup back up, reclaiming the gifts I have been given, and I am taking them with me on a new path. And I am not going to lie. It was a brutal awakening. I had to get angry recently and hit rock bottom to realize that I was becoming something that I didn't want to be. A friend recently said, "I am so sorry that there are people who took your joy and the light you once had. And the Natalie that you were." But the thing is, joy is an emotion that no one can take from you because it is within each of us. We can only keep ourselves from experiencing it. I had to seek help and realize that I've had it all along, but it's up to me to allow myself to feel it and give myself permission to live in the light again. No one can take that power from you...unless you let them. And I did. But no more. And you don't have to either.
So on to my last thoughts...I have had people tell me my whole life that I am intense...but most people tell me that is what is so intriguing about me or motivates them to change their life. But I am aware that there comes a time where we have to wind back down from the storm we have just been through. And there are only certain people that can come along with us on that journey. And that is ok. Whoever is supposed to be there along the path or at the end has already been hand-picked by God. So I am going to get out of my own way and take a new path, one that I no longer care to plan out in my mind, but one that just allows me to be present and just live again.
So when you find yourself at a crossroad and you ask yourself which way to go...trust that you already have the answer within. And let God show you the way.
Peace be with you on your journey.
Xo,
Natalie Rene
It's time to say goodbye to the old me. Once and for all. A question that someone asked me prompted me to share my story once and for all...and to start writing a new one.
I had a student ask me recently, "How are you happy every day? How do you do it?"
My response was "It's a choice that I make every day, but that doesn't mean it's easy." And she said, "I wish I could be that way, but I think that my attitude is what is holding me back from everything...school, sports, everything." I said, "if you knew the year I had while I was teaching, you would not believe it. But I decided that every day my students deserved the best of me."
And it's true, they did. My job is to show up every day and inspire students to find themselves and to teach them that they make a difference and matter in the world. My problems are not theirs, but the storms I've come through make me more compassionate, understanding, and a mother figure to my students. And at the end of the day, they know I care about their well being. That's all I could ever ask for from someone that teaches my daughters. So I've tried to channel that each day.
And so I have decided to share my story one last time and then put it to rest. Because it's my past now. And I'm honestly tired of reliving it and carrying it on my heart. And what I didn't tell this student, I will share with you now. And then it's time to move on. So here goes.
I separated a year ago from a really unhealthy marriage where I have only recently realized the extent of the emotional abuse I endured. I think we believe that we deserve the circumstances of relationships we are in because we "chose" that person. And we think things are just a phase that we will come out of and bad times are "normal." Add in having children and we often stay together to give them the best chance of two parents raising them together. But it's also our responsibility to show them a healthy and loving relationship. And we deserve a relationship of unconditional love and a person who protects our heart. I made a vow and I am a woman of faith. I know what it states about the roles of wives in the Bible, but I was also struck by the defined role of a husband. And none of those characteristics described the person I was married to. Out of respect, I won't divulge it all, but I left feeling unworthy, used, and neglected. And that was just the beginning.
Shortly after, I threw out my back...two weeks before finals. And we are not talking about something minor. I had been in PT for 6 weeks and woke up one morning with a full herniation and I spent three days pretty much lying on the floor until my Mom returned from Alaska. I couldn't walk, eat, or sleep and I was in so much pain that not even two back epidurals would numb it. I've shared this story in another blog, but I could not physically function. My biggest fear was "how would I take care of my girls as a single mom & how in the hell could I take 22 history students to Europe for 9 days...4 weeks after major surgery?" By the grace of God, I could walk within 15 minutes of recovery. And I walked miles and miles in Europe and never had to skip a beat. I only had to ask for help with lifting & I had great kids who were my helpers. The thing is...I'm not good at asking for help. And I had to learn quickly to start asking this from a lot of people. But everything kept piling on...
I moved into a brand new town home, which flooded shortly after I moved in. When it rains it pours people! Seriously! I also moved buildings to a brand new classroom. I couldn't physically lift anything and was blessed to have some amazing friends and students help me through both moves. But I couldn't breathe, all I knew was crisis mode. Ever felt like that? All I could do was keep pushing through. I had to acclimate two daughters to a new city, new schools, new friends, and I did not have time to crash and burn. But there were times, I was lying on the floor in the fetal position, even recently after my girls went to bed. I missed my Dad, I felt like years of my life had passed by without really ever having a healthy relationship, and I couldn't understand why I had to endure all of this. There were and are a lot of moments that I read my devotions in the morning with tears streaming down my face. But you HAVE to keep on going. There is NO other way around it. You MUST push through it. You can occupy yourself with a thousand other things to distract your mind, but if you don't just go straight through the pain and take a look at who you are amidst the struggle, you will never grow. And so my story continued.
I was left financially ruined and almost had to file for bankruptcy a year ago. But God blessed me with some amazing people who helped me through it and also with a second income as a Beachbody coach. Every month that I thought I wouldn't make it, he brought a new person into my life that I was able to help with their health and fitness and I was financially able to make it. But do you know how mortifying it is to live in a financial crisis mode when you are raising two daughters by yourself? And to act like everything is fine because you don't want people to know what you are going through? And to realize that in that moment you are truly alone. And that's when I started praying. And that's when I began my faith walk because I couldn't take on anything else. I was at my breaking point. I literally had nothing left to hold on to because most of the people I had in my life were either gone or negligent. And so I turned to Him and just asked him to show me the way through the storm. And I don't think God ever intends for us to walk alone. He puts people in our life all the time to weather things together, even if only for a short time.
And so I met someone whom I believed was my person, who showed me strength when I didn't have it. I don't think I even knew the purpose of this person at the time. But he was my mirror. I know all of the advice people give to not pursue any interest when you are coming out of a divorce, but this was a person I couldn't shake. Maybe it was too soon, the timing was off, or I was mistaken for what it meant. But I truly believe I saw who this person really was and he saw me. But then life gets complicated and it was gone. And so I scrambled to find meaning... thinking I could analyze every detail and conclude some philosophical reasoning for what happened. But all I can come up with is that God is in charge and it wasn't meant to be. Gut-wrenching and my only take away was that love is a God thing. He decides what we need in our life and we cannot will something into life. I am more compelled to believe now that life is about finding someone to take the imperfect journey with. And that shouldn't be complicated, it should just be two people who are willing to take a risk. And if not, it's time to close the chapter on that book too. Sometimes the pain of holding on to someone is far worse than just letting go.
So why am I sharing this? Because it was time to get it out and I was tired of glossing over things. I pushed certain things aside for years and the only way to heal is to release the pain and use it as fuel to become better. And people believe what they want to about other people, but unless you've walked in their shoes, you have no idea what's made them who they are. And so I have decided it's time to live again...like really live.
And so I'm different now. I'm stronger yet still have pain I'm sorting through. I'm braver but some risks still scare the shit out of me. And I love more deeply, even if others don't love the same way as me.
And so I have decided that I will not let the sun go down without telling those I care about that I love them. And I will not apologize for who I have become. And I will not sacrifice my hopes and dreams for my girls nor myself ever again. I believe that that life is really about moments. Moments that we must not take for granted. And moments are made to be taken and embraced.
And so now I say farewell to old me and hello to what's ahead. I see a world that is waiting for me. I just had to be brave enough to walk away from the old me and turn the page. But it's my time. And I hope it is for you too.
Believe & Achieve,
Natalie Rene