It's time to say goodbye to the old me. Once and for all. A question that someone asked me prompted me to share my story once and for all...and to start writing a new one. 



I had a student ask me recently, "How are you happy every day? How do you do it?" 



My response was "It's a choice that I make every day, but that doesn't mean it's easy." And she said, "I wish I could be that way, but I think that my attitude is what is holding me back from everything...school, sports, everything." I said, "if you knew the year I had while I was teaching, you would not believe it. But I decided that every day my students deserved the best of me." 



And it's true, they did. My job is to show up every day and inspire students to find themselves and to teach them that they make a difference and matter in the world. My problems are not theirs, but the storms I've come through make me more compassionate, understanding, and a mother figure to my students. And at the end of the day, they know I care about their well being. That's all I could ever ask for from someone that teaches my daughters. So I've tried to channel that each day. 



And so I have decided to share my story one last time and then put it to rest. Because it's my past now. And I'm honestly tired of reliving it and carrying it on my heart. And what I didn't tell this student, I will share with you now. And then it's time to move on. So here goes.



I separated a year ago from a really unhealthy marriage where I have only recently realized the extent of the emotional abuse I endured. I think we believe that we deserve the circumstances of relationships we are in because we "chose" that person. And we think things are just a phase that we will come out of and bad times are "normal." Add in having children and we often stay together to give them the best chance of two parents raising them together. But it's also our responsibility to show them a healthy and loving relationship. And we deserve a relationship of unconditional love and a person who protects our heart. I made a vow and I am a woman of faith. I know what it states about the roles of wives in the Bible, but I was also struck by the defined role of a husband. And none of those characteristics described the person I was married to. Out of respect, I won't divulge it all, but I left feeling unworthy, used, and neglected. And that was just the beginning.



Shortly after, I threw out my back...two weeks before finals. And we are not talking about something minor. I had been in PT for 6 weeks and woke up one morning with a full herniation and I spent three days pretty much lying on the floor until my Mom returned from Alaska. I couldn't walk, eat, or sleep and I was in so much pain that not even two back epidurals would numb it. I've shared this story in another blog, but I could not physically function. My biggest fear was "how would I take care of my girls as a single mom & how in the hell could I take 22 history students to Europe for 9 days...4 weeks after major surgery?" By the grace of God, I could walk within 15 minutes of recovery. And I walked miles and miles in Europe and never had to skip a beat. I only had to ask for help with lifting & I had great kids who were my helpers. The thing is...I'm not good at asking for help. And I had to learn quickly to start asking this from a lot of people. But everything kept piling on...  



I moved into a brand new town home, which flooded shortly after I moved in. When it rains it pours people! Seriously! I also moved buildings to a brand new classroom. I couldn't physically lift anything and was blessed to have some amazing friends and students help me through both moves. But I couldn't breathe, all I knew was crisis mode. Ever felt like that? All I could do was keep pushing through. I had to acclimate two daughters to a new city, new schools, new friends, and I did not have time to crash and burn. But there were times, I was lying on the floor in the fetal position, even recently after my girls went to bed. I missed my Dad, I felt like years of my life had passed by without really ever having a healthy relationship, and I couldn't understand why I had to endure all of this. There were and are a lot of moments that I read my devotions in the morning with tears streaming down my face. But you HAVE to keep on going. There is NO other way around it. You MUST push through it. You can occupy yourself with a thousand other things to distract your mind, but if you don't just go straight through the pain and take a look at who you are amidst the struggle, you will never grow. And so my story continued. 


I was left financially ruined and almost had to file for bankruptcy a year ago. But God blessed me with some amazing people who helped me through it and also with a second income as a Beachbody coach. Every month that I thought I wouldn't make it, he brought a new person into my life that I was able to help with their health and fitness and I was financially able to make it. But do you know how mortifying it is to live in a financial crisis mode when you are raising two daughters by yourself? And to act like everything is fine because you don't want people to know what you are going through? And to realize that in that moment you are truly alone. And that's when I started praying. And that's when I began my faith walk because I couldn't take on anything else. I was at my breaking point. I literally had nothing left to hold on to because most of the people I had in my life were either gone or negligent. And so I turned to Him and just asked him to show me the way through the storm. And I don't think God ever intends for us to walk alone. He puts people in our life all the time to weather things together, even if only for a short time. 

And so I met someone whom I believed was my person, who showed me strength when I didn't have it. I don't think I even knew the purpose of this person at the time. But he was my mirror. I know all of the advice people give to not pursue any interest when you are coming out of a divorce, but this was a person I couldn't shake. Maybe it was too soon, the timing was off, or I was mistaken for what it meant. But I truly believe I saw who this person really was and he saw me. But then life gets complicated and it was gone. And so I scrambled to find meaning... thinking I could analyze every detail and conclude some philosophical reasoning for what happened. But all I can come up with is that God is in charge and it wasn't meant to be. Gut-wrenching and my only take away was that love is a God thing. He decides what we need in our life and we cannot will something into life. I am more compelled to believe now that life is about finding someone to take the imperfect journey with. And that shouldn't be complicated, it should just be two people who are willing to take a risk. And if not, it's time to close the chapter on that book too. Sometimes the pain of holding on to someone is far worse than just letting go. 

So why am I sharing this? Because it was time to get it out and I was tired of glossing over things. I pushed certain things aside for years and the only way to heal is to release the pain and use it as fuel to become better. And people believe what they want to about other people, but unless you've walked in their shoes, you have no idea what's made them who they are. And so I have decided it's time to live again...like really live. 

And so I'm different now. I'm stronger yet still have pain I'm sorting through. I'm braver but some risks still scare the shit out of me. And I love more deeply, even if others don't love the same way as me. 

And so I have decided that I will not let the sun go down without telling those I care about that I love them. And I will not apologize for who I have become. And I will not sacrifice my hopes and dreams for my girls nor myself ever again. I believe that that life is really about moments. Moments that we must not take for granted. And moments are made to be taken and embraced.

And so now I say farewell to old me and hello to what's ahead. I see a world that is waiting for me. I just had to be brave enough to walk away from the old me and turn the page. But it's my time. And I hope it is for you too. 


Believe & Achieve, 



Natalie Rene