This is the hardest blog I've ever written. I stopped and
started this several times, erased, rewrote, changed the title, got mad, got
sad, felt relieved, and almost couldn't finish it because I didn't want to go
back "there." Where was "there?" My rock bottom. And we
often try to sugar coat it, gloss over the details, and bury it so deep so we
don't ever have to feel that pain again.
But you know what I wished then? I wished I knew someone who
just understood. Someone who had been there too, but it's impossible to find
anyone who can understand all of our story. And that's a lonely place to be.
And our society doesn't really embrace rock bottom moments. In fact, we seem to
mock people's pain in the media or tell people to just "get over it"
and move on with their lives. Sure, we believe in the "American
Dream" and celebrate "Rags to Riches" stories, but how many of
us want to go into the trenches with someone? And now that I've had some time
to reflect and heal, I have realized it was never about having someone in the
trenches with me, it was about facing myself. And truly, no one could help me but me. I found myself trying to explain the crisis of my life to friends,
family, even co-workers, and they didn't have the capacity to understand
because it was my pain, not theirs. I also realized that although I was happy
with so many things in my life, I was becoming bitter and angry emotionally. I
have seen people who go through a divorce and 20 years later still hate that
person and refuse to trust another person again. Or they just refuse to go all
in to spare themselves the pain of another loss. I have also watched people who
have suffered a loss of a loved one push away every other family member and
friend because of anger and resentment. Why am I at liberty to say this?
It's not out of judgment, it's out of experiencing those same feelings over the
last year too. I was becoming a person inside that I didn't even know. I always
have prided myself on being "strong," but that just meant I was
refusing to acknowledge my own feelings and I pushed them aside. That only
works for so long before they surface with vengeance. And I hit a rock
bottom point when I realized I was constantly bracing myself for the next
crisis and I wasn't able to experience personal joy. I experienced joy as a
mom, teacher, and coach, but I was convinced that I had missed my chance or
window of time for happiness. Sounds pretty crazy, right? I am in an industry of
helping others, but the one person that I needed to help the most was me. And
so I did and I have. And I am certainly a work in progress, but aren't we all?
I also realized that when I started my rise, I wanted to help others, even just
with this blog. I wanted others to know that sometimes you have to step into
that arena alone.
The thing is there is absolutely nothing glamorous about hitting
rock bottom. There aren't a lot of books or movies about the darkness we face
because these aren't "feel-good" times. As a history teacher, my
students love to celebrate victories, underdog stories, and big events, but we
don't spend a lot of time studying the "in-between." It is brutal,
gut-wrenching, bloody, and the wounds can be unbearable. How many of you
know the causes and effects of World War I? Not many...you know why? Look up
trench warfare, read some diaries from soldiers, and study the accounts.
Horrendous. Now do you understand why they instituted a military draft for
World War II...because NO ONE wanted to go back into those conditions ever
again. In addition to Beachbody coaching, I actually teach college AP
World History, 3000 years of it, in fact. In class, we master the art of
cause and effect, but rarely do we have enough time or desire to study the
emotional effects on the "players" of war. This is actually my
favorite part...stories...and bringing people's lives into the light. But
it is a really tough place to go when it's the victims' lives we study...and
not the heroes. We can often suffer post-traumatic stress just like soldiers
when we have faced tragedy or crisis. The effects hit us later or we can come
from a complete high to an absolute low. And we also have triggers that can
send us into a downward spiral. And if we don't get help, we can carry around a
scarlet letter or even better, a chip on our shoulder because NO ONE
understands us or gets what we just lived through. And I am not here to tell
you that all pain is the same, but I can also tell you if you are going to
constantly try to compare your pain to others, you are going to be stuck in a
vicious cycle...with yourself. You will come to a point where the pain you
think others are causing you is actually being manifested by you.
But there is light at the end...if you step into it again. I do
believe that we can heal, if we take time to face our pain head on. And
sometimes it's a place that we MUST step into by ourselves. Why? Because we are
about to face our biggest enemy. Ourselves. Yes, you heard me right. I've met
people who would rather choose bitterness, resentment, fear, and disconnection
than face themselves. How we hit rock bottom can be self-induced, a tragic
loss, or just circumstances that we have been handed in this life. But does it really
matter in the end if we are the ones still suffering? Whatever the case is, we
have to make a decision when we hit rock bottom. Brene Brown, author of Rising
Strong, explains it as the time to step into the arena. It reminds me of a
Roman gladiator fight. The majority of people will be sitting in the stands,
perhaps casting judgment, but how about thinking of all the people who are
cheering you on? There are so many people who want to see you rise victorious,
but they will never get to see that part of you, if you do not choose to take
that first step. And that is to become better, heal, and find your worth again.
And here's another kicker... stepping into the arena is only the beginning. You
will definitely get knocked down again, but each time you dust off, you will
have faced another fear and emerge even stronger. And that's a risk worth
taking. Because it is a life or death moment. Are you going to stop living and
walk around going through the motions or are you going to start living
again...like now, in the present. You are worth it all. You deserve the best.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve peace. How do I know?
Because that "you" was me and I now have broken free of the chains I
was living in. And they were of my own doing.
So I end with this, is it time for you to take off the armor and
just step into the arena? There's a lot waiting for you at the top of that hill
or mountain. The picture at the top of this blog was taken by yours truly in
Scotland last summer. It's Edinburgh Castle and it has a fierce history, one
that was not built in a day, but on a foundation of rock. Pretty amazing, isn't
it? And your life can be too.
Xo,
Natalie Rene