Surrender. Not a word any of us wants to use in our vocabulary because it's synonymous with weakness or giving up. Yet being a fighter or at war with ourselves is not the better option. And yet it took a sermon today at church to put everything together for me.
I can honestly tell you that I have always taken pride in being a fighter. I always looked at things in life as a competition that I could win. I would win as an athlete. Even after I tore my ACL in Taekwondo, I rehabbed, came back better than ever, and went on to earn my 2nd Degree Blackbelt. It fueled me, it drove me. I would win by pushing myself to the limit with school graduating in the Top 25 and at Purdue graduating with Honors.
Even when at crossroads, I took pride in the battle wounds of making it through an uncertain time. Most people don't know that I had Caitlin before I was married. I was 23, working as a restaurant manager, and was quite lost still trying to figure out my career path. That moment changed me because I had purpose again. I went back to school two weeks after Caitlin was born to get my teaching license. I worked two jobs, raised a little one and considered myself a fighter again. I would be the best Mom and teacher ever. And God blessed me with a teaching job at Hamilton Southeastern High School. And my life was thrown into this little person and my students because my husband at the time worked nights and weekends. I was happy in my new roles, but not internally happy because I always felt like I was fighting to just make it. But where was I going?
I was giving to so many around me, but really didn't feel like I knew who Natalie was anymore. Giving to others kept me going, but then several things happened that weren't my fight. I couldn't win at those. I couldn't win when my Grandpa passed away and then my Dad, a few months later. I couldn't win when I herniated a disc in my back and was completely laid out. It wasn't even that I couldn't walk, but I couldn't take care of my girls and was separated at that time. I had to ask for help from family and friends, something that I am not good at. I have always been strong for others, but always fought through to the other side with my own battles. I told a friend recently that I would rather know the "emotional sentence" for pain or grief so I can brace myself and fight through it. But there are some things that cannot be fought through. There is no time frame on how long we may feel these things or when we may be ready to move forward after life stops us in our track.
I realized today that I don't want to fight anymore or be a fighter. I want to surrender to God and His plan because I can't take on this load anymore. No one can. I actually changed my fitness page today. It used to be Natalie Fight For Fitness. It's now Natalie Rene Fitness like this blog. Why? Because I am a person. I am real. I am imperfect. But I am still here. I listened to a Joel Osteen podcast a few weeks ago about how God gives us a "nevertheless" not a "never" when we think we are lost. I have already seen this come to fruition in my life with a new path that God is paving. I just have to trust in it and in Him. And so today I surrender. But that is not to be mistaken with giving up. It's just letting go and moving on.
Xo, Natalie Rene
The real issue comes down to self-confidence and self-worth. If we cannot find joy in someone else's excitement, success, and happiness... or we are trying to compare ourselves to them, then we need to look within and strengthen our spirit and start by appreciating what value we bring to others. Because we all truly do. There is no one made quite like you. And it is also about perspective. I can tell you that I made a decision in January 2014 after my father's death to see the world for what it still had to offer, rather than what it lacked. And trust me, the sunrise didn't have the same brightness or sense of hope that first year. I didn't laugh...like really laugh for about a year either. But it didn't mean that I was still not looking for the best in each day. I owed that to myself because there was too much living left to do. And I also found strength and hope in celebrating in my friends' lives, their excitement of having a first child, getting married, and family milestones.
My life may have seemed to stop for a moment in time or taken a drastic turn from what I envisioned over the last year...but I have faith that there is a lot more for me out there. But again...that is a conscious decision. And someone else's path is NOT my journey. So I am not going to compare, rather I am going to create my own highlight reel...one that is MINE and that I look back and treasure.
Xo,
Natalie Rene
July 9th, 2013 - I lost my grandfather on his 90th birthday. I was able to find peace with this because of the cycle of life and found comfort in the memories we made. I was his girl and we shared in lunch dates, shopping, movies, and just stories. He was also my World War II & Purple Heart hero. I am forever blessed with all that he gave to everyone around him.
August 2013 - a few weeks after my parents left to start their retirement journey in Alaska, my Dad suffered his first stroke. Doctors were baffled and said he was a perfect recovery candidate, but I lost my Dad that day. The person who I shared my everything with: family, work, politics, history, Beachbody coaching, travel, my dreams...was slipping away and retreating into a shell. This was hard when I was still in Indianapolis and he was in therapy in Homer, Alaska.
December 25th, 2013 - after being home for 2 weeks, my Dad suffered a second stroke and passed away right before midnight on Christmas Day. While camping recently, I reflected with my Mom on what a lot of people don't know. You see when my Dad suffered his second stroke, my Mom and I had to make a decision regarding his chances of survival. There is a clot-busting drug called a TPA. When administered within 3 hours, it can reverse the effects of a stroke. He had already lost mobility on his left side from his first stroke, but was now paralyzed on his right. Doctors had to do an MRI to make sure that there was no bleeding on the brain and then we could decide on the TPA. With about 30 minutes to spare, we decided to administer this. I was sitting with my Dad and could see that it was working at first...but then while watching him, everything changed. I could tell something was going drastically wrong and asked the nurses and they just said to come back while they moved him to intensive care. Those who know me well know that I am pretty intuitive & I knew he was gone. When we returned, the neurologist showed us an MRI of his brain, and there was 100% hemorrhaging and he would never wake up again. We felt like we played God and took away his life. It was a less than 1% chance of this failing, but something happened and his time was done. I know now that the TPA was his only chance of survival or regaining any normalcy, but it was gut wrenching. He passed away later that night. And my best friend & biggest fan was gone. It was a joke in our house, but I was his favorite because I was just like him. We just got each other. And now I had to figure out what life would still mean and how I would continue on. I decided to push through, return to teaching, be an active mama, continue Beachbody coaching, and would somehow heal along the way.
It's really interesting how when it rains, it pours. After losing my Dad, I also realized that I was not in a healthy marriage. And out of respect, I am not going to air all of this, but I can tell you that marriage was not something that I took lightly. I wanted my girls to see a mother that was happy and give them the best environment to grow strong in. Everything I did was always for them first and I think this went on far longer than it should have because we all want our children to grow up with two parents in the same home. But some things are not meant to be. To deal with this time in my life, I threw myself into fitness to the point where I wasn't guarding my physical health. I starting working out at such an intensive level that I herniated a disc in my back because I thought I would out-fitness the pain. I was already at a great level of health and fitness, but this became something I thought I could get lost in. What I lost was my fitness all together. May 2015, I had back surgery and was stripped down to only my inner being, my spirit and most importantly, my faith.
When it comes down to it, we are truly only left with our faith. I had to shed every part of my being and realize that the only way that I could build myself back into the person I was supposed to be, the life that I was destined to live, was to shed all of layers of pain and start over at my core. And that was God's plan for me. Now each day I'm building up into the new me.
I was recently asked to speak at a Beachbody leadership event with Jeff Hill, Vice President of Global Sales. I was asked to share my story and it was based on this blog. During the hardest month of my life, which was July 2015, I helped the most people I ever have. 17 new people jump started their health and fitness that month and it was a very humbling experience. A life changing one...because even at our darkest moment, we can still be a light for someone else. And this is where I realized how much healing I could do by paying it forward and sharing my story and journey. If I can continue helping others because of my experiences, then I am truly answering my calling and God's plan for me.
And I have only just begun. It's a new day, a new beginning, and time for a new chapter.
Natalie Rene
August 2013 - a few weeks after my parents left to start their retirement journey in Alaska, my Dad suffered his first stroke. Doctors were baffled and said he was a perfect recovery candidate, but I lost my Dad that day. The person who I shared my everything with: family, work, politics, history, Beachbody coaching, travel, my dreams...was slipping away and retreating into a shell. This was hard when I was still in Indianapolis and he was in therapy in Homer, Alaska.
December 25th, 2013 - after being home for 2 weeks, my Dad suffered a second stroke and passed away right before midnight on Christmas Day. While camping recently, I reflected with my Mom on what a lot of people don't know. You see when my Dad suffered his second stroke, my Mom and I had to make a decision regarding his chances of survival. There is a clot-busting drug called a TPA. When administered within 3 hours, it can reverse the effects of a stroke. He had already lost mobility on his left side from his first stroke, but was now paralyzed on his right. Doctors had to do an MRI to make sure that there was no bleeding on the brain and then we could decide on the TPA. With about 30 minutes to spare, we decided to administer this. I was sitting with my Dad and could see that it was working at first...but then while watching him, everything changed. I could tell something was going drastically wrong and asked the nurses and they just said to come back while they moved him to intensive care. Those who know me well know that I am pretty intuitive & I knew he was gone. When we returned, the neurologist showed us an MRI of his brain, and there was 100% hemorrhaging and he would never wake up again. We felt like we played God and took away his life. It was a less than 1% chance of this failing, but something happened and his time was done. I know now that the TPA was his only chance of survival or regaining any normalcy, but it was gut wrenching. He passed away later that night. And my best friend & biggest fan was gone. It was a joke in our house, but I was his favorite because I was just like him. We just got each other. And now I had to figure out what life would still mean and how I would continue on. I decided to push through, return to teaching, be an active mama, continue Beachbody coaching, and would somehow heal along the way.
It's really interesting how when it rains, it pours. After losing my Dad, I also realized that I was not in a healthy marriage. And out of respect, I am not going to air all of this, but I can tell you that marriage was not something that I took lightly. I wanted my girls to see a mother that was happy and give them the best environment to grow strong in. Everything I did was always for them first and I think this went on far longer than it should have because we all want our children to grow up with two parents in the same home. But some things are not meant to be. To deal with this time in my life, I threw myself into fitness to the point where I wasn't guarding my physical health. I starting working out at such an intensive level that I herniated a disc in my back because I thought I would out-fitness the pain. I was already at a great level of health and fitness, but this became something I thought I could get lost in. What I lost was my fitness all together. May 2015, I had back surgery and was stripped down to only my inner being, my spirit and most importantly, my faith.
When it comes down to it, we are truly only left with our faith. I had to shed every part of my being and realize that the only way that I could build myself back into the person I was supposed to be, the life that I was destined to live, was to shed all of layers of pain and start over at my core. And that was God's plan for me. Now each day I'm building up into the new me.
I was recently asked to speak at a Beachbody leadership event with Jeff Hill, Vice President of Global Sales. I was asked to share my story and it was based on this blog. During the hardest month of my life, which was July 2015, I helped the most people I ever have. 17 new people jump started their health and fitness that month and it was a very humbling experience. A life changing one...because even at our darkest moment, we can still be a light for someone else. And this is where I realized how much healing I could do by paying it forward and sharing my story and journey. If I can continue helping others because of my experiences, then I am truly answering my calling and God's plan for me.
And I have only just begun. It's a new day, a new beginning, and time for a new chapter.
Natalie Rene
