Surrender. Not a word any of us wants to use in our vocabulary because it's synonymous with weakness or giving up. Yet being a fighter or at war with ourselves is not the better option. And yet it took a sermon today at church to put everything together for me.  

I can honestly tell you that I have always taken pride in being a fighter. I always looked at things in life as a competition that I could win. I would win as an athlete. Even after I tore my ACL in Taekwondo, I rehabbed, came back better than ever, and went on to earn my 2nd Degree Blackbelt. It fueled me, it drove me. I would win by pushing myself to the limit with school graduating in the Top 25 and at Purdue graduating with Honors.

Even when at crossroads, I took pride in the battle wounds of making it through an uncertain time. Most people don't know that I had Caitlin before I was married. I was 23, working as a restaurant manager, and was quite lost still trying to figure out my career path. That moment changed me because I had purpose again. I went back to school two weeks after Caitlin was born to get my teaching license. I worked two jobs, raised a little one and considered myself a fighter again. I would be the best Mom and teacher ever. And God blessed me with a teaching job at Hamilton Southeastern High School. And my life was thrown into this little person and my students because my husband at the time worked nights and weekends. I was happy in my new roles, but not internally happy because I always felt like I was fighting to just make it. But where was I going?

I was giving to so many around me, but really didn't feel like I knew who Natalie was anymore. Giving to others kept me going, but then several things happened that weren't my fight. I couldn't win at those. I couldn't win when my Grandpa passed away and then my Dad, a few months later. I couldn't win when I herniated a disc in my back and was completely laid out. It wasn't even that I couldn't walk, but I couldn't take care of my girls and was separated at that time. I had to ask for help from family and friends, something that I am not good at. I have always been strong for others, but always fought through to the other side with my own battles. I told a friend recently that I would rather know the "emotional sentence" for pain or grief so I can brace myself and fight through it.  But there are some things that cannot be fought through. There is no time frame on how long we may feel these things or when we may be ready to move forward after life stops us in our track. 

I realized today that I don't want to fight anymore or be a fighter. I want to surrender to God and His plan because I can't take on this load anymore. No one can. I actually changed my fitness page today. It used to be Natalie Fight For Fitness. It's now Natalie Rene Fitness like this blog. Why? Because I am a person. I am real. I am imperfect. But I am still here. I listened to a Joel Osteen podcast a few weeks ago about how God gives us a "nevertheless" not a "never" when we think we are lost. I have already seen this come to fruition in my life with a new path that God is paving. I just have to trust in it and in Him. And so today I surrender. But that is not to be mistaken with giving up. It's just letting go and moving on. 

Xo, Natalie Rene