Rainbow mountain. It sounds so delightful and happy, doesn't it? After hiking Wolverine with up to 65 mph wind gusts and in gnarly weather (as my bro calls it)...I was thinking, one more mountain climb before leaving Alaska...perfect. It was all going well... sun shining, fresh clean air, and I am going to summit today. But then we start a direct incline up, my brother is far ahead, and I have no idea what I am doing. We get into what I would call straight rock climbing...on scree (loose small rocks) and a couple larger stones to put my feet on. Evidently it's called scrambling. Are you kidding me? I didn't sign up to scramble or question if I was going to fall off a cliff. I could make up some story about how the conditions weren't right or that I still wasn't strong enough from back surgery, but the truth is I was down right scared. My brother called down to see if I was ok and I said that I just didn't think I could do it and I had no idea where to put my feet. He came back down to meet me.
And then the melt down began...tears streaming down my face & he asked me what I was scared of. Was it the height, what it going up the mountain? I replied, "yes." And it truly was all of the above. As I laid there hugging the side of a mountain...seriously I was hugging it and trying to hold onto any vegetation (think small plants and scruffy weeds) as if it was stronger than me, and with tears streaming down my face, I realized how badly I wanted to climb that mountain because I wanted to prove that I could do something hard again. And than I yell out as if the mountain cares about my feelings, "why does it have to be this hard?? Why does everything have to be SO hard?? Can't something just be easy for once? I just wanted to climb this mountain!" After regaining some composure...or what I had left, I told my brother that I didn't know what to do, where to put my feet, how to keep my balance, and honestly my left leg is a lot weaker still from having a pinched nerve in it. I had to admit that I just couldn't do it, not because I didn't want to, but I just didn't have the experience or the knowledge yet. And maybe even the strength. And so we decided to go back down. My brother comforted me a lot. He realized it was pretty steep, especially for a first time. But then he offered me a second chance and asked if I wanted to try another trail. He also said "let me guess, your life flashed before your eyes and you thought you were going to die?" How did he know, but yes in fact, I saw myself falling to my death. I am a bit dramatic....sigh. He told me that I have to get used to slipping and falling. It's part of the process. Makes sense enough, but I wasn't willing to take that risk yet.
I honestly considered throwing in the towel and saying screw it! (I was told by my brother than my usage of f bombs needs to be toned down...he suggested I replace it with fluffy...) I realized that I did a lot more on Rainbow mountain than I ever thought I would. We got up about 1000 feet and saw some epic views. And I am actually scared of heights too...but we will get to that later. And so we then went to Bird Ridge and began another adventure. And that's where the soul searching began. Nick was further ahead of me and this was no piece of cake either. Steep incline the whole time, but a different environment. A lot more around: trees, boulders, things that made me feel more secure as opposed to just scree, seriously who names this stuff? I was more comfortable and loosened up. My brother told me to just watch what he was doing and follow his lead. And I realized that it was never that I didn't trust him. I didn't trust myself. And isn't that just how life goes. We often survey scenes so much and make a decision on whether or not we want to go all in or not. Sometimes it's lack of experience....or maybe it's a previous experience that's holding us back. In this case, I was happy that I didn't give up and at least tried. I dusted myself off because I wanted to see the mountains at their eye level. We ended up climbing 3000 feet on this mountain.
So I came wanting to climb a mountain & I actually climbed three. And it was never about the peak but rather the climb or journey. And the overcoming. And we can all overcome if we just decide to face things head on.
So maybe my mountain meltdown was really just a breakthrough. A breakthrough that some things are worth it and some are not...but the journey is pretty awesome on the way up...and back down. And so is life.
Xo, Natalie Rene
I am a work in progress...but I've decided that I am just fine with that. I want people in my life who see me for what I am...and that's going to come with heartache, loss, and some obstacles. I cannot fix things that happened to me and I'm starting to see these wounds as badges of courage. I will NOT carry the weight of the world on me nor someone else's burden any longer for it is not of my doing. But I do know that without these trials, I wouldn't be who I am. And I'm stronger, more vulnerable, more connected to the world around me, and feel so much more present than I ever have. I have given myself permission to feel again and I am not going to be afraid. I am going to take risks, I am going to be adventurous, and I am going to fall in love again one day, but I am not going to worry about when. Because time really doesn't matter when you are living in the moment. Now is the time to just be brave. And I realized for years I was living only for others.
Our imperfections shouldn't be a sentence, but do we realize that we condemn ourselves? No one gets to decide but YOU what you deserve. You decide when you want to live again, you decide who you allow in your life, and you decide when you are ready to move on. And if something didn't work out, you dust yourself off and let the wind carry away the humiliation, shame, disappointment, and fear. Those are not your burdens. You do not have to wear a Scarlet letter. Let them go.
I am going to continue to make mistakes because I am human, but I am also going to begin living and loving every day...no matter the risk because God has a plan for me. And I believe that those who deserve our time will have to accept us imperfections and all. And if we are waiting to be perfect versions of ourself before living...then we will be waiting a life time. And life is about moments. And that's what makes life real. And that's what makes it so perfect...flaws and all.
Are you ready to live again? I know I am.
Xo, Nat
We cannot be everything to everyone. But I grew up thinking I could or I should. I think a lot of my self-worth actually came from what I could do to help others rather than what was best for me. I listened to a very powerful Joel Osteen podcast called the "Right People" and it gave me a lot of clarity. Giving to others is an absolute blessing and is a calling, but it can also be a detriment to who we want to be. We often spread ourselves so thin trying to be everything to everyone including jobs, family, friendships, and relationships...that we are never really all in to anything. I am guilty of this and battle guilt of not being able to do it all.
Perhaps I've changed since my Dad passed, but I always had thought that I had some gift of saving people. Whether it's my students, health and fitness team, relationships, friendships... I thought I had the power to do this. That is a heavy burden to carry and one that I know a lot of my friends and family carry too, especially as parents. We try to be super parents and never want to let anyone down.
After my Dad's first stroke in August of 2013, he was in Alaska. I was certain that he just needed to see me face to face and he would muster strength from me to beat it. I would be his saving grace. My Dad and I were always on the same wave length and were motivated in the same way to take obstacles head on. My brother actually called me ahead of time to warn me of what I would see and to expect. I heard him, but I was certain that it was ME that would turn this around. I would help my Dad have the strength get through OT and PT and we would be fighters together. But it was not up to me. God had other plans and I did not have the power to save him no matter how much I thought I could. This changes a person. I could either succumb to the fact that life was in God's hands no matter what or I could try to fight it. When my Dad passed, I surrendered that day rather than being angry. And I came to understand that I can only do so much each day. I realized that I want to live and inspire others each day. But I can NOT take this on as being able to save everyone in my life. It truly lies within their heart and I can only lead by example and live out my truth.
So my truth is letting go of what I cannot control and finding people who can fill my cup. Even some of the people that have touched our lives the most may not be the best people to have closest because they burden our hearts and souls. And we can still care for these people, but we need to let them go. We need people who pick us up unconditionally and we naturally do the same for them. I want to be in the present. I have always been touched by Tim McGraw's song "Live Like You Were Dying." I'm done with the past & worrying about the future serves no purpose for my growth. We are creating a future each day by the decisions we make. And I won't be everything to everyone, but I will certainly be everything to those who matter the most.
Xo, Natalie Rene
Vulnerability is not weakness, but I think we are ingrained to believe that it is. If we expose too much of ourselves, what will people think of us? If we admit that we need help, we believe that we will be judged. Where does this come from? I believe it stems from fear. And fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from fully living, loving, and being present in the now. But we are the creators of fear. So we also have the power to extinguish it.
Vulnerability is about realizing that we are imperfect and we are enough no matter what has happened to us or the decisions we have made. Since becoming a coach, I have seen people opening up and being vulnerable about their health and fitness. Stories about body image, eating disorders, health conditions, anxiety, depression, challenging childhoods, grief, and just pain. When we release it into the universe, we free ourselves and can start living for the now...not in the past.
You must find your truth through embracing your story and knowing it's not who you are but rather events that have shaped you into the person you are now. You also have to let go and take risks. It's scary, but when you shoot for the moon and miss...you still fall among the stars.
Being vulnerable is to live your truth with courage. I was moved this week when I watched a video by Brene Brown and realized that we are enough just where we are in life. We are never finished with the desire to improve ourselves, but we must find peace along the journey.
And I will no longer live in fear because life is short. I will be brave. I will live according to my truth. And I will be vulnerable and let God show me the way. And that is truly freedom.
Xo, Natalie Rene
I'm about to get real and I feel compelled to do this blog today. After having several people reach out to me lately, I realized I needed to share what I've come to learn. This is coming from my experiences as a girl, a woman, a mom, a teacher, and a coach.
We are in a constant war with ourselves and it's about body image. And there are so many factors that play into it that we really have to find out where it's coming from and be at peace with ourselves in order to be fully present each day.
When someone reached out to me recently and thanked me for being a positive role model for women, I was taken aback. She thanked me for not making health and fitness about being skinny but about being healthy. This really touched my heart. I saw so many people battle body image issues growing up. As a competitive swimmer, I saw friends battle with eating disorders and it's heart breaking. I remember as a high schooler being confident in who I was but I never considered myself to be "pretty." I was a tomboy most of my life and it always seemed that my girlfriends had the guys all about them. Plus there were a lot of people I knew who developed at a much younger age than I and what I saw as "beautiful" in the media did not match up with what I looked like. When someone told me I was beautiful recently, those feelings of disbelief surfaced. I just have never put myself in that category and it's very humbling. But it stems from experiences growing up. Instead, shouldn't I take that as a compliment? I still struggle with this because of my experiences growing up.
As a teacher, I see first hand what high schoolers are battling. The strongest and most confident of girls have battled body image issues their whole lives and many feel like it's trying to personify an image that society says is beautiful. Instead of embracing their own beauty, they feel boxed into what someone else thinks is "true beauty." I always tell them that high school is not real life and there are so many experiences awaiting them and they will find out so much more about themselves within the next couple of years. The biggest problem for them is that they are trying to find acceptance in the opposite sex. If a guy isn't interested, they take it as a lack of worthiness or beauty. The thing is...guys have the same insecurities and high school boys face the same pressures to fit in and are hurt when someone isn't interested in them too. But self-worth IS NOT what someone thinks of you at any age. It is about being true to yourself, embracing your inner and outer beauty, and then finding someone who sees you for what you truly are. When you do find someone they should be an addition to your life, not the completion.
As a mom, I am a protector, a guardian of my girls. I want my girls to understand healthy, but not EVER see it as a size or number on a scale. I want them to feel confident, strong, and present in their own skin. I see women's bodies objectified all the time & many women do it to themselves because they are hurting. They want that attention from showing off their bodies. And I am a believer in showing outer beauty...this tomboy LOVES to get dolled up for a night out on the town...BUT I do not want my body to be more valued than what is on the inside. Call me crazy, but what happened to "my body is a temple?!"
As a coach, my calling has been reaffirmed over and over. Women are hurting, men are hurting, we all are hurting. Why? Because we have built up an idea of what we are supposed to look like or set these unattainable goals in our minds about what we should weigh on a scale or the size of our clothing. Take the numbers out of the game...what are you left with? For me, it was a feeling...a true desire to just feel healthy again. I want to go outside and hike. I want to run around with my girls and not be out of breath. I want to live life to the fullest because my Dad was taken too early and he had gotten back into the best shape of his life. I want to inspire others to see that they are worthy and beautiful. At the end of the day, that is what is what allows me to be at peace. I hope you all find comfort in this too, know that you are not alone, and give yourselves some grace. You are beautiful. Period.
Xo, Natalie Rene
