Rainbow mountain. It sounds so delightful and happy, doesn't it? After hiking Wolverine with up to 65 mph wind gusts and in gnarly weather (as my bro calls it)...I was thinking, one more mountain climb before leaving Alaska...perfect. It was all going well... sun shining, fresh clean air, and I am going to summit today. But then we start a direct incline up, my brother is far ahead, and I have no idea what I am doing. We get into what I would call straight rock climbing...on scree (loose small rocks) and a couple larger stones to put my feet on. Evidently it's called scrambling. Are you kidding me? I didn't sign up to scramble or question if I was going to fall off a cliff. I could make up some story about how the conditions weren't right or that I still wasn't strong enough from back surgery, but the truth is I was down right scared. My brother called down to see if I was ok and I said that I just didn't think I could do it and I had no idea where to put my feet. He came back down to meet me.
And then the melt down began...tears streaming down my face & he asked me what I was scared of. Was it the height, what it going up the mountain? I replied, "yes." And it truly was all of the above. As I laid there hugging the side of a mountain...seriously I was hugging it and trying to hold onto any vegetation (think small plants and scruffy weeds) as if it was stronger than me, and with tears streaming down my face, I realized how badly I wanted to climb that mountain because I wanted to prove that I could do something hard again. And than I yell out as if the mountain cares about my feelings, "why does it have to be this hard?? Why does everything have to be SO hard?? Can't something just be easy for once? I just wanted to climb this mountain!" After regaining some composure...or what I had left, I told my brother that I didn't know what to do, where to put my feet, how to keep my balance, and honestly my left leg is a lot weaker still from having a pinched nerve in it. I had to admit that I just couldn't do it, not because I didn't want to, but I just didn't have the experience or the knowledge yet. And maybe even the strength. And so we decided to go back down. My brother comforted me a lot. He realized it was pretty steep, especially for a first time. But then he offered me a second chance and asked if I wanted to try another trail. He also said "let me guess, your life flashed before your eyes and you thought you were going to die?" How did he know, but yes in fact, I saw myself falling to my death. I am a bit dramatic....sigh. He told me that I have to get used to slipping and falling. It's part of the process. Makes sense enough, but I wasn't willing to take that risk yet.
I honestly considered throwing in the towel and saying screw it! (I was told by my brother than my usage of f bombs needs to be toned down...he suggested I replace it with fluffy...) I realized that I did a lot more on Rainbow mountain than I ever thought I would. We got up about 1000 feet and saw some epic views. And I am actually scared of heights too...but we will get to that later. And so we then went to Bird Ridge and began another adventure. And that's where the soul searching began. Nick was further ahead of me and this was no piece of cake either. Steep incline the whole time, but a different environment. A lot more around: trees, boulders, things that made me feel more secure as opposed to just scree, seriously who names this stuff? I was more comfortable and loosened up. My brother told me to just watch what he was doing and follow his lead. And I realized that it was never that I didn't trust him. I didn't trust myself. And isn't that just how life goes. We often survey scenes so much and make a decision on whether or not we want to go all in or not. Sometimes it's lack of experience....or maybe it's a previous experience that's holding us back. In this case, I was happy that I didn't give up and at least tried. I dusted myself off because I wanted to see the mountains at their eye level. We ended up climbing 3000 feet on this mountain.
So I came wanting to climb a mountain & I actually climbed three. And it was never about the peak but rather the climb or journey. And the overcoming. And we can all overcome if we just decide to face things head on.
So maybe my mountain meltdown was really just a breakthrough. A breakthrough that some things are worth it and some are not...but the journey is pretty awesome on the way up...and back down. And so is life.
Xo, Natalie Rene
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